Thoughts on Almonds (And Other Reasons to Live)
just what you wanted during this, the most brutal month of the year AKA January AKA Evil July
In Praise of Almonds
Have you ever eaten almonds? They are terrible. They taste like mud. But does an almond care? No. An almond still believes it is a luxury nut. An almond still believes that it is Good. An almond STILL appears in our nut bags, even though we throw them away instantly. Yes: it continues believing in itself, despite being totally gross to literally everyone.
Dump a bunch of cajun dust on a small team of almonds? Oh now they are worse. But the almond marches on.
Macadamia nut? Oh hell yeah. Buttery little button of a nut. Love a Mackie montana. Cashew? Frick yes. Bent little bell. Love a Cashie colorado. But an almond? No. And yet it remains. The almond is thus purified by its ignorance, by its trust in itself as the architect of its own Life.
Amen.
Things That Make Life Worth Living: Conspiracy Theories
Sometimes, when life is blue, we need something true to believe in. And the more false that thing seems, the better. Because false things that seem almost true? We know they are false. But false things that seem EXTREMELY false? These feel very, very true. Why? Because our heads are just one big bone.
These fun false stories are called “conspiracy theories.”
For example: Bigfoot. The Moon Thing. John F. Kinnisee on the Glassy Hill of Caralon. Chemical Planes. Charles Lingbag’s Baby. Ginger Rogers’ Feet Being Made of Multigrain Bread.
But my favorite conspiracy theory is this one: “UFOs filled up with buttloads of little aliens who like to do surgery on frantic lumberjacks (and lumberjills).”
Can you believe it? Alien doctors want to cut open a lumber tummy? No. This is false. Alien doctors are false. This is not true. Do you know what is true? Here, this is true:
I like it when you talk to me
my heart becomes an oatmeal cup
my mind becomes a wedding cake
my chest becomes a dryer
Ask Lord Birthday
And now I will answer some real questions submitted by readers on Instagram.
Q. Do we ever really get over an ex without getting a new ex?
A. Sure. If the old ex was a barely attractive idiot. Which he was.
Q. How do you know you’ve done enough to help someone who won’t help themselves?
A. If it seems like you’ve done too much, you have. So stop. But it’s OK you did your best. Helping is better than not helping, and the costs of overhelping are more easily recovered from than the costs of doing nothing.
Q. My grandfather Hansel has gotten sick with the yellow fever. Any suggestions?
A. You should read him a story from his youth, a story about trains and hills and honey and reciprocal love. This will cheer him up big time. Because ultimately will he be OK? Probably not. Nobody is. He will die and so will you. You will keel over like a soft accordion on some random summer night, be picked up by a medical jockey, & be stuffed into a room full of wonderful dying others. And in that moment you will be glad, despite your deadness, that you gave your grandad Hansel, via story, a momentary dollop of love.
Q. How can I hide my cat from my landlord (no pets allowed)?
A. According to my lawyers, I cannot publicly give you advice on how to break your landlord’s rules (just keep the cat in a place the landlord would never look, like an area of the garage that is disguised as normal boxes but inside is a cat town, or if you don’t have a garage then find a safe cupboard area in the kitchen that would usually be reserved for dishes but instead of dishes have a cat in there, in a cozy little warm cat town, and of course only put the cat in the cat town when you suspect the landlord might be “stopping by”) so I’m sorry but I cannot answer this question.
Hello, future soft accordion here!
Would you be able to tell us what that musical clip should be? The clicky just goes to advertisements that I can't escape from. I would rather just Google the artist/song to hear what you have chosen for us.
Thank you for all you do!