Should I Run Away With My Alcoholic Ex?
I will answer your questions because that is my job I guess
Q. Should I run away with my alcoholic ex?
A. No.
Q. What will my mom say if she finds out I grow magic mushrooms?
A. I don’t know. You should ask your mom.
Q. What should I buy my kid for his first birthday?
A. You shouldn’t buy him anything. He’s basically a baby. Babies are known for their hatred of shopping. Do not make the baby receive a gift! He will be rueful, or maybe doleful. Or something.
Why? Because your baby has: no taste yet. So, with a gift you would be: forcing it to adopt your taste. If you do this, the baby—the blue-eyed little baby, your little blue-eyed one-year-old little baby—will shriek with rancor. The neighbors will be glum about it. Who is shrieking with rancor? They will ask. They will say this glumly while wearing big cotton sweatshirts. And the baby will do the “perp walk” down the ramp, to say Watch Out Neighbors, Sometimes I Do That
And then the baby will continue:
Yeah, So What, Sometimes I Do That, Sometimes I Make A Bad Sound, Which Is Like A Dark Red Harmful Yodel, Because I Got A Gift
On second glance, I think if your baby has a penchant for Harmful Yodel, then if you give it a gift you can give it a Swiss horn with a glistening mouthpiece as a forgiveness action, to say sorry. You could also give it a backdrop of hills, and pink petals sprinkled, to practice the yodel. Ohh ah lee hee whooo! That was a yodel. Get a clue if you do NOT understand what I just did. I yodeled. I know it was bad. Shut up. I know my yodel SUCKS. I know my songs are burlap spiders. My eyes hurt. I say Dickens! My butt is trash. No curve. All meat. Stacked.
Q. How do I make everyone at the conference think my paper is groundbreaking research?
A. You know what? I respect your work, I do. I have no idea what it is. But I know it is good enough. But also? There is nothing more head-poundingly WRONG to me than when somebody says “Yeah did you know they did a study about that?” or “That’s interesting, I heard about this one study where….”
This is what the Bible means by hell. It is suffering, and it is gore, to hear these sentences. WHO did a study? Plimpton University? I don’t care. Did you learn some new facts? That you want to share to make it look like YOU KNOW SOMETHING! Oh please! Roll me into a fire!!
All of this is to say, my friend, that I think you could really do something great if you stopped pretending that the research is groundbreaking. Do you see my drift? Just stand up there and say, “It is not great, what I did. It is fine. I did an OK job. It is not a game-changer or a path-breaker or a boon. But I would still like to share it with you. Thanks.” You would get a standing ovation and maybe an award. You would lay a dent in the course of history. And then, bonus for me, I would not have to hear these bozos and local yo-yos talk about their “studies,” which are usually false in spirit but sound smart and give the person “in the know” a social buck or two. I would be glad.
Q. What music should I listen to? Which music is good and which is bad?
A. Oh my dear child you have opened up a sun-dappled box of BEAUTIFUL CORN with this question. To be very clear, I have no clout in the music community. True: I wilt. I do not flout. I do not clout. I have no pounce. I cannot juke or “bring the goods.” I cannot drum or sing tribute. But I do have a spark of a chance here, because of the way Time fills the universe. I can tell you which music is good and which is bad and which is just fine. Here is Part 1:
Grateful Dead - bad
Neil Young - fine
Led Zeppelin - fine
LCD Soundsystem - fine, but the lyrics are bad
Fleet Foxes - fine but they can stop making new music now, I think we get the idea
Flock of Dimes - good, underrated
Cocteau Twins - good
Mary Chapin Carpenter - good, underrated
Death Cab for Cutie - bad
Haruomi Hosono - good, the album Pacific slaughters
Radiohead - good, sometimes really good, pretty songs about computers
Soundgarden - good
The Radio Dept - good
Alice in Chains - bad
TV On The Radio - good
Swans - bad, too loud, guitars are out of tune
Sonic Youth - five good songs, everything else is out of tune
Scott Walker - bad, songs go nowhere, punches actual meat, guitars are out of tune
St. Vincent - overall good but we wish the songs were better
Oumou Sangaré - good
Prefab Sprout - good
New Order - good
Joy Division - fine, but out of tune
Big Thief - bad, the songs are just vibes and the vibes are empty
Grizzly Bear - bad, astoundingly empty
Father John Misty - bad, songs are cornball cynicism, Leonard Cohen as a spiritual
dimwit
Very enjoyable views on musicians and other things.