Should I Go To Arby's Right Now Or Watch All The Saw Movies In A Row?

What? C'mon.

Q. Should I go to Arby’s right now or watch all the Saw movies in a row?

A. Are you serious? You should go to Arby’s. The Saw movies are bad. I really hate them. I have never seen them actually. But I know they are bad and also gross. Murder and gore and filth? Wake me up when it’s over, I literally just fell asleep.

Arby’s on the other hand? Clean and good. Not filthy. Well sort of filthy. The beef is gray ribbons. The bun feels like a volleyball. The horsey sauce is scary. Also have you ever seen the Beef crawling out of its bun like it has a schedule for the day? It kind of dangles. Beef should not do that. You have the power to ignore the dangle, though. You have the light of Christ. And when you remember this fact, you will remember that Arby’s is holy too.

More proof: in contrast to that one person who dies in the film Saw 2, I have never once died after eating Arby’s. In fact, I have always come out stronger and more beautiful than before. My face shines from the meat.

Q. I love my friends, and I want to tell them that, but I don’t want to make them feel weird. What should I do?

A. One time I had a friend and I told her that I loved her. I told her one day in Colorado. Hold on. I think we were just friends but maybe I am wrong. Maybe the love thing made it more than friends. OK, yes, I loved her. She was my lover. That was something different. I am stuck in a strong delusion and am wandering like a rogue star around your question.

Let me start again. Ring the bell and begin. Friends. How should you share your love with them? Words will not do it. Words are hooey. Believe me, I live among words and I am tired of holding their dance card. I feel MAD about language! But still I press on, making one sentence and then another, pretending I’m a man of culture.

To show them your love, you should build your friends a Christmas train. Out of Legos. And secretly put it in their room. A whole long Lego train that goes around their bedroom (I am assuming they all sleep in the same wooden bed), chugging along, emitting loud Northern music from a small hole in the caboose, bringing your friends the spirit of Saint Winterhole all year long. So this is the answer. Why is this the answer? I will tell you why. Because the train will not make them feel weird, like directly telling them “I Love You” would. Sure maybe the train will make them feel scared??? Like how did you get into our bedroom??? We don’t like it??? But that’s their problem, not yours.

Oops I should have checked: Do you know about Legos? Have you ever seen what Legos are. Legos are these small plastic cubes where you snap two of them together and then drop the rest of them (approx. 800 units) on the floor and step on them later, when it is dark and your bare feet are willing marshmallows. Damn! You will say. I love my friends. But now the centers of my feet—the exact bullseye of both of my feet—are sites of bleeding. And as you walk off in the darkness, you will hear a chorus of spooky voices from behind the couch say Love is pure, love is light, all bright and glittering in the endless night. This will freak you out. You will feel like a friggin freaked Frodo. But do not worry. You can be sure that it is just a small group of missionaries from the Lego Corporation, expressing their love for you, empathizing with your pain, and thereby connecting the experience of love with the experience of pain, from behind your couch, at 3:16 a.m.

Q. What did you have for dinner on Saturday May 15th 2021?

A. I had a peach and two cigarettes (unsmoked, lying motionless).