Q. I am a little guy and my eyes always hurt. Help? How can I stop being a little guy and start being a big guy?
A. Hmm sounds like you’re tired of being a little guy? Sounds like you’re tired of your eyes getting poked out? For being a little guy? Sounds like you wanna be a big guy with regular eyes? Nobody EVER pokes a big guy in the eyes. His eyes are perfect and have not been jacked around with in the least. He is normal.
Look, I used to be a little guy. And my eyes got jacked around with a LOT. But now I am a big guy and I am so happy. I never get rammed in the eyeballs. My eyes are 100 percent good. I can eat steamed froglegs in my bed. True, my tummy gets hot from the steam. I am big and my tummy gets hot. But my eyes are good. They are not poked out. They are not bobbing around in some bully’s pocket. And so on.
But some parts of my body are still little! Like my butt. My butt is still little. That is the only thing that is still little. But it is OK. Despite the butt being very little and flat, I am still quite interesting to look at when I am standing butt-first against my living room window, which faces Mulberry Street, in a northern city. My butt is a pressed crepe against the cityscape.
Anyway let me tell you how I got so big, to help you do the same. First, I stopped caring so much. For example I used to care so much about love. But now? I scoff and jeer at the mere thought. And this makes me big. I am honestly approaching a size I like to call: wicked. Lions talk to me about “You are a size like us.” Bears are in my ballpark.
Secondly, I stopped trying to be things I am not. It was shriveling me up! Other people’s beliefs about me were like an Alice poison, making me disappear into a glass bottle, surrounded by a sea of tears. I was so tiny and throbbing. People’s beliefs about me were all wrong. I would kiss someone and they would think I was a wedding machine. But I am not a wedding machine. I am just a big guy who wants to have some fun.
Third, the main reason I became big is: big guys are strong. Which is important. People love a burly bub. Being little, your eyes are goners. You are not a bub at all. Your heat disappears. Your face is snow. Yes, as a Little, my face was pure Alaska and my eyes were cracked television screens. Could such a cold-faced Little really make a dent in pre-modern systems of exchange, which was all that I ever truly wanted? Could I, a Frosty Little, have brought mercantilism to its knees? Could I have adequately described the contradictory logics of Buillionism in my increasingly minuscule condition? Because that was all that I ever truly wanted. I dreamt of bending the world into a kind of post-European economic beauty. And the answer was: no. But now the answer is: yes. Because now my size is: Christmas Box Official.
Q. My friends and family are always telling me the truth about why I’m difficult to be around and why my life is a wreck. They say I am extremely arrogant and that I never listen to well-intentioned feedback. How do I make them stop being so honest with me?
A. This is so hard. I’m sorry. People are cruel! Here is something you can post on your social media account, to get them to stop (this will definitely work):
Public Request: Please respect my ego!!!
Lately I’ve had a lot of people telling me NASTY and HURTFUL stuff. They tell me I am WRONG about so many things???? That I am wrapped up in boneheaded ideas about my life? Please be respectful of my attachments, fears, and beliefs!
Sure my beliefs about my life and why it looks the way it does might be “wrong,” but that is none of your business!!!! Let me be wrong!!! Please respect my ego!!!!! It is fragile :(
In other words: My self-serving life narrative is very flimsy, so please be respectful! Please do not “disagree” with my self-centeredly skewed understanding of events. Please do not “prove my delusions wrong with credible counter-evidence.” Please do not undermine my rationalizations!!! It breaks my heart!
Q. Is AI really as scary as everyone says? Guys I know won’t stop talking about it. What should I do?
A. If there is one thing I know, it is that guys love talking about AI. Guys love being scary about AI. Guys love saying that “I trained an AI to pretend it was human” and then it pretends it is human and guys say “Oh god what have I done!” and then they write an internet article about it.
Here are some things you can say when some guy starts explaining AI in a scary way to you:
Oh wow. AI is crazy. AI is a game-changer. I am afraid.
AI sounds really smart! I am scared of AI now. Thank you.
This is crazy. AI is crazy. Wow! Game-changer.
Wow. Thank you for telling me this. I feel like AI has truly, in so many ways, changed the game.
AI has a fascinating brain.
It is crazy to think that we are so special to live in this unprecedented time of AI progress. We are undeniably the chosen generation!
AI is just plain nuts huh. Total game-changer.
AI is so interesting! Talk to me more about it.
So AI is actually alive? Whoa. The AI said it’s alive so it must be huh.
Maybe it’s just that human-to-human relationships are so text-based these days that anything that can produce text will seem human to us? No no. Can’t be that. Tell me something else scary.
Another evocative blessing. It makes the scorching worth it. Thank you.